#5: Accept guilt/shame when necessary.
A fifth element that’s part of a responsible life is accepting guilt and shame when necessary. We talk about how narcissists love to give shame and put guilt onto you, and sometimes you need to learn how to sidestep that simply because that’s just one of their manipulative ploys. But let’s suppose you have done something wrong. Speaking personally, I want to feel guilty—not in the long term, but in the sense that it’s a restorative kind of emotion. When I feel guilt or shame, it’s like, “I can do better than that, and I know I need to do better than that.” Then it becomes something that makes me a better person, and once that function is done, I get to move on to something else.
Narcissists have an odd relationship to guilt and shame. It’s a weapon they use to punish and pummel other individuals. That’s not responsibility; that’s their blame-shifting side.
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
#6: Learning and insight are ongoing.
When you have healthy responsibility, you have ongoing learning and insightful plans that you maintain. I know that in my 60s now, I think differently than I did in my 50s. I thought differently in my 50s than I did in my 40s, 30s, and 20s. As you grow and age and have more and more experiences, you hopefully can pull those insights together and say, “I’m learning how to be a better person.” You see life as an ongoing growth process. It’s not just “get it done and let’s just do things,” but it’s like, “For the rest of my life, I know there are going to be some things that I’m going to need to learn or refine and adjust.”
What do you think about narcissists? Do they like to learn and adjust? It’s like, “Yeah, I need to learn how to tell you about how to do things better and make you do things more the way I say. If you don’t think I’m strong enough, I’ll twist your arm this way or that way.” Their sense of responsibility does not lead to that kind of ongoing insight.
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