4. Let them off the hook
I’m not saying that you should do this permanently, I’m saying if you must deal with this person, then let them off the hook. So, what I mean is, once you’ve called them out and you’ve said that I can see that you’re angry, they will absolutely deny that they’re angry, especially when you are dealing with a covert narcissist who doesn’t want that direct confrontation.
So when they deny that, you can say, ” okay, maybe I’m wrong, I just wanted to let you know what I would say at that moment, or I just wanted to share that with you”. And at that point then, you just kind of step back quietly and don’t say anything else, you just let it be what it is. So what you’ve done is, you’ve made this person aware of the fact that you see their anger, and now, they have to think about that.
But either way, you don’t have to justify or defend yourself from recognizing the anger. You simply stated when they deny it, which they will, then you be okay with that. You don’t need to be right. And you just need to be heard. The narcissist always needs to be right.
So, by letting them know that you have seen the anger, in a healthy relationship, you’ll be telling them that this behavior needs to change. In a relationship with the toxic narcissist, you’re essentially going to pattern interrupt them long enough to maybe make them be a little nicer in the meantime.
A book: Divorcing A Narcissist And Other Jerks
But in any case, if you are in a relationship with a toxic narcissist, you really need to consider getting out and going either low contact or no contact. However, in the meantime, by calling out this person’s anger in a calm and non-judgmental way, you are giving this person a little bit of insight into their own behavior as well as pattern interrupting them, so that if nothing else, they will step back and try to come up with a new way to express this frustration.
Be very careful if you’re dealing with someone who has been or might become physically aggressive toward you. Don’t waste too much energy playing games with that person’s head. You probably need to consider getting out on an emergency basis. Be aware of your own feelings in this situation too.
It’s really difficult to recognize what’s actually happening when you’re dealing with one of these people because it is very subtle, very indirect, but when you see it, you might find yourself feeling angry or betrayed, confused and powerless, helpless because they won’t cooperate, they won’t talk to you, they won’t share things with you that are helpful, they won’t work through the issues, but like I said reacting is the worst thing you can do.
If you try to get them to listen, if you nag at them, if you get upset or cry or yell, you’re gonna find that they’re going to become increasingly angry, the conflict becomes escalated. So don’t be passive, and don’t be aggressive, just be assertive. If you choose to address this in an effort to fix something in the relationship, make sure that your partner is not otherwise toxic.
Related: Outsmarting A Narcissist: Tips On How To Outsmart A Narcissist
If you are dealing with a narcissist or someone who has no empathy, it’s not going to work. So make sure that you’re fully aware of that, as a matter of fact.
So if you are dealing with someone who’s just a kind person, but who has this bad habit of passive-aggressive behavior or they don’t know how to confront you for some reason, then you can try to come at them that we have a problem so that you’re not saying you are the problem. You just say we have a problem we need to work through, because by saying to that person – you are the problem, then you’re shaming them, and just to be perfectly transparent.
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