Red flag #1: The excessively sweet tone.
The first red flag is a tone that drips with over-the-top charm, like they’re trying just a little too hard to make you feel amazing. This excessively sweet voice is syrupy, overly enthusiastic, and often paired with flattery. This tone often shows up during a phase called love bombing—the phase where narcissists idealize their target to create emotional dependency. At first, everything feels amazing, but over time, this creates a subtle power dynamic. You start craving their approval, feeling like you have to keep earning it—all while chasing that nurturing feeling that they gave you at the start.
That’s exactly the goal: to make you feel obligated to give them your time, energy, or support in return. A perfect pop culture example of this over-the-top sweet voice is Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter. Her overly sweet, saccharine tone is almost nauseating, and yet it masks something sinister.
Red flag #2: The “popular” tone.
The second red flag is what I call the popular tone. It’s that casual, laid-back tone that popular kids in junior high use to sound at ease and above it all, like they’re doing you a favor to let you into their inner circle. It’s the kind of tone that makes you feel special, like you’ve been chosen for an exclusive friendship or partnership. This tone is designed to create a false sense of camaraderie while subtly reminding you that you’re not quite at their level. The popular tone hijacks your innate sensitivity to social hierarchies. Humans are naturally attuned to cues that signal status and rank within a group; it’s a survival mechanism.
When someone uses this tone, it reinforces their higher status while making you feel like you need to earn their approval or inclusion. A great pop culture example of this is Regina George from Mean Girls. Her tone is seemingly friendly and effortlessly charming, but there’s always this edge of control and condescension.
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