Number 5: Abusers brag and boast.
They do so incessantly. An abuser’s speech is peppered with I, me, mine, and myself. This is called pronoun density. Abusers describe themselves as intelligent, rich, modest, intuitive, or creative—but always excessively, implausibly, and extraordinarily so. The abuser’s biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements are incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Yet his actual condition is evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims. Very often, the abuser’s life or fantasies are easily decipherable. He always name-drops and appropriates other people’s experiences and accomplishments as his own.
Number 6: Abusers use emotion-free language.
They like to talk about themselves and only about themselves. If the abuser is not interested in others or in what they have to say, he shows it. He is never reciprocal. He acts disdainfully if he feels an intrusion on his precious time.
In general, abusers are very impatient and easily bored, with strong attention deficits—unless and until they become the topic of discussion. One can dissect all aspects of the intimate life of the abuser, provided the discourse is not emotionally tinted. If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the abuser intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks about himself in the third person with a detached scientific tone, or composes a narrative with a fictitious character—suspiciously autobiographical.
Most abusers get enraged when required to delve deeper into their motives, fears, hopes, wishes, and needs. They use violence to cover up their perceived weaknesses and sentimentality. They distance themselves from their own emotions and from their loved ones by alienating and hurting them.
Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
Number 7: Abusers are serious.
They are dead serious about themselves. The abuser may possess a fabulous sense of humor—scathing and cynical—but rarely is he self-deprecating. The abuser regards himself as being on a constant mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are global. If the abuser is a scientist, he is always in the throes of revolutionizing science. If he is a journalist, he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If he is an aspiring businessman, he is on the way to concluding the deal of the century. Woe betide those who doubt his grandiose fantasies and impossible schemes. This self-misperception is not amenable to lightheartedness or self-effacement.
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