Number 3: Idealization followed by devaluation.
Abusers instantly idealize or devalue their interlocutors. They flatter, adore, admire, and applaud the target in an embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner. When rebuffed, they sulk, abuse, and humiliate her. Abusers are polite only in the presence of a potential would-be victim, a mate, or a collaborator—in other words, a source of narcissistic supply. But they are unable to sustain even perfunctory civility and very quickly deteriorate to barbs, thinly veiled hostility, verbal or violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, cold detachment, or sadistic humor.
Number 4: Membership posture.
Abusers always try to belong, yet at the very same time, the abuser maintains his stance as an outsider. The abuser seeks to be admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself but without investing the effort commensurate with such an undertaking. For instance, if the abuser talks to a psychologist or therapist, he first states emphatically that he never studied psychology. But then he proceeds to make seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating that he mastered the discipline. This is supposed to prove that he is exceptionally intelligent or introspective—in other words, superior.
Abusers usually care more about appearances than what’s real. One of the best ways to expose an abuser is to dig deeper. They are shallow, like a small pond pretending to be a vast ocean. Abusers like to think of themselves as talented, knowledgeable, or special. They often claim to be experts at everything, but in reality, they know very little and fail more often than they admit. They will never admit when they don’t know something or when they’ve failed. It’s actually not that hard to see through their act. If you look closely, you can easily spot the truth behind their claims of being all-knowing, successful, wealthy, or powerful.
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