5. Through projection.
You hear this so often, and I see it all the time in the comments where a covert narcissist will accuse their partners of cheating even when they’re not cheating. And what that does is it creates a whole lot of confusion because when they accuse you of cheating or whatever it is—lying or stealing or whatever it is that you’re not doing and maybe you would never do that thing—once they get you defending yourself, then when it comes around full circle and you’re actually seeing proof, you’re seeing hard evidence that this person has cheated on you, then they’re going to try to remind you what it felt like to be ‘falsely accused’. So it creates a lot of confusion, but oftentimes it really is pure projection. So because they are cheating and because they are lying and doing all the things behind your back and they’re being shady, they think that you’re doing it too. They think that your mind works in a similar way that theirs does and that everyone in the world is just trying to get one over on someone else and try to get what they can get without worrying about anybody else’s feelings.
I mentioned a minute ago that this might be something that you would never ever do to another person, and I hear this really often with people who have had relationships with narcissists. It is very common for targets of narcissistic abuse to be accused of something that is the absolute opposite of what they want people to think of them. And because of that, they have worked their entire lives to not be that thing. So they’ve put so much effort into it that no one in their lives would ever say that about them. But then comes a narcissist, and that’s all they say. They find that button and they push it.
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
6. By getting empathy wrong.
Covert narcissists and any other type of narcissist really lack emotional empathy. They may have some, but they’re really lacking that ability to connect on a personal, human level. They lack the ability to truly, deeply care about what’s going on with you and your life.
But the problem is that we as a society kind of see empathy as a synonym for humanity, even if we don’t voice it or say it that way. It’s like we feel like that’s the human element in people, our ability to connect with one another, to show up for other people when they need us, and to create that deep level of connection. Narcissists don’t really have this ability. So if you think of emotional empathy like a pool, somebody who’s highly empathetic, they might have the whole six-foot pool filled. They have all the emotional empathy. But a covert narcissist has a very, very shallow pool. It’s kind of like if you drained the pool, left it uncovered, and it rained. That’s basically what they’re left with. So they don’t have a lot to tap into. You definitely can’t go swimming in that pool.
But we go around assuming everyone’s pool is filled, right? We don’t look for signs that it’s not. And because of this, we can be easily fooled. So with a little bit of smoke and mirrors, a covert narcissist can make it seem like they do have a lot of emotional empathy. And over time, they actually really get good at it. So even those who aren’t as good at it, like I said, we don’t go around looking for this. So you might give them a pass, saying, ‘Oh, they’re just a little bit awkward, or they’re just not as in touch with their emotions, and this stuff makes them uncomfortable.’ And while there could be reasons why people are not in touch with their emotions and they don’t outwardly show emotional empathy, there could absolutely be reasons that are not narcissism. This is also something that we should not overlook.
So if you’re noticing that someone lacks emotional empathy, definitely start paying attention and maybe have a conversation about what might be going on there. Because if you’re giving this person a pass and it is narcissism, you will unfortunately be in for a rude awakening later on. Because the lack of empathy is exactly how narcissists are able to be so ruthless. They just can’t tap into that connection. They cannot connect with your feelings or care about your feelings. They know what they are, but they cannot care to the degree that it will stop them from getting what they want at all costs.
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