#5: Triangulation.
Another thing that narcissists do to excuse their bad behavior and to keep you under control is a form of triangulation. They might say something like, “I’ve never had this problem with any other boyfriend or girlfriend,” or “I’ve never had this problem. I don’t have this problem with your brother or sister,” or “I never have this problem with any of my other friends.”
Understanding this one is a little bit tricky because that might be something that you say to the narcissist. You recognize that this relationship is unlike anything else. But when it comes from somebody who’s emotionally abusive, it’s very likely a lot because we know that these people are extremely predictable. How they act in your relationship is very similar to how they acted in a previous relationship or how they act with someone else. And even if it’s not, they’re still triggering that person; they’re still abusing that person in some way. Even when we’re talking about a narcissistic parent who has a golden child, it’s not necessarily a healthy relationship. So there’s always some level of abuse.
They may say, “Well, I don’t have this problem with this other person. I don’t have this problem. I never had this problem with my most recent ex. It’s only you.” And make no mistake about it, this is triangulation. They are trying to establish a hierarchy, and you’re not at the top. Whoever it is they’re comparing you to is at the top, and you’re at the bottom.
For More: When a Narcissist Realizes You’ll Never Come Back – 3 Moves They Make.
#6: You’re making a big deal out of nothing.
Another thing you may hear from a narcissist trying to excuse his or her bad behavior is, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing. You always do this. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.” While that can be a valid statement for people sometimes—sometimes people do overreact, sometimes people do make mountains out of molehills—but with an emotionally abusive person like a narcissist, usually it’s something very important that you’re talking about. Like maybe the narcissist is cheating, or maybe they’re lying to you about finances or something of that nature—something that’s really important. You’re bringing it up because it’s an issue, and it’s something that in any relationship would need to be addressed. And they make it seem like you’re overreacting. This isn’t the big deal that you’re making it seem to be. They might also say, “You like to cause arguments or pick fights.” And if it’s not this, it would be something else.
If you’re not a narcissist, that can have an effect on you because you recognize that you do have a lot of issues with this person. But the reason why you have a lot of issues with this person is that there are a lot of issues to have in your relationship with somebody who can’t self-reflect. Therefore, any issues you have are going to be recurring; they’re going to be ongoing. And you’re also in a relationship with somebody who lacks emotional empathy, so they have no problem hurting you.
So there are going to be things that come up quite possibly on a daily basis. There are going to be things that you’re taking issue with. So when the narcissist turns it back around on you, you might start thinking, “Maybe it is you. Maybe I just let things go.” And how convenient is that for the narcissist? You suspect this person’s cheating, but yet you’re sensitive about how often you’ve brought this up. So you don’t say anything; you let it go. And this is how the narcissist keeps you under control.
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
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