Number 3: The fear of rejection.
Listen, no one likes rejection, and not everyone handles it well either. Let’s be real about that. But with a narcissist, you can immediately tell that something’s different. This is why one of the best ways to test the waters with a new person is to see how they handle the word “no.” If they fly into a rage, throw an all-out temper tantrum, or just seem to completely unravel before your eyes, it’s a major, major red flag.
You and I might even have a different definition of the word “rejection” than a narcissist would—at least for themselves. And if you’ve spent any length of time around a narcissist, I think you know what I’m getting at. For example, if your friends threw a party while you were out of town, you probably wouldn’t be too bothered about not getting an invitation. Or if you gave advice to someone and they just decided to go a different route, you probably wouldn’t take that too personally either. But to a narcissist, both of those things could potentially lead to the feeling of crushing rejection.
And if you’ve been around a narcissist long enough, you’ve probably had moments where you’ve thought their reactions were a bit over the top, or maybe they’ve taken things a little too personally. For the record, I don’t think we should actually be telling people that their feelings are “too big” because that’s kind of gaslighting, but we do need to be aware of things that become threats to our own well-being. A narcissist’s reaction to rejection can absolutely threaten your peace and emotional well-being.
Recommended Book: How To Kill A Narcissist: Debunking The Myth Of Narcissism And Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse (A Guide To Narcissistic Abuse Recovery And Healing From A Narcissistic Relationship)
So here’s what’s going on behind the scenes: Narcissists fear rejection because it really hits them on a much deeper level beyond just being disrespected. We’ve already talked about how disrespect in front of others threatens that image they project, but rejection is much more personal. It feels like a direct challenge to their own value. While none of us like that, and it may kind of feel like that for you too—like when someone rejects you, it has to do with your value—I want to remind you that’s not the truth. But I understand it may feel that way.
What’s different with a narcissist is that rejection is all they have. All they have is that external validation, so when they’re rejected, in that moment, before they go out on an all-out attack and start discrediting you, when they feel that rejection, it’s going to hurt. They’re going to feel one of the worst things a narcissist can feel. We’re going to get to that one soon. To drive this home, narcissists really do rely on others to mirror back their value, so being rejected disrupts the entire foundation they’ve built their false persona around. It’s very difficult, even from the narcissist’s perspective, to maintain that sense of superiority after being rejected. But of course, they will instantly jump into discrediting the person who rejected them so that they don’t have to take that feedback.
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