Defense #2: Play the victim.
The second thing a narcissist does when they can’t manipulate you anymore is that they’ll play victim to regain your sympathy. They know that you’re a caring and decent person, so when they feel you slipping from their control, they’ll try to portray themselves as a helpless victim. You’ll hear stories about how everyone’s against them, how life is so unfair, or how they’re so misunderstood. The goal here is to make you feel guilty or responsible for their emotional state, pushing you to re-engage out of sympathy or pity.
What’s really happening, though, is that they’re trying to manipulate your kindness, hoping that you’re going to drop your boundaries and come to the rescue. Narcissists know that you’re different from them; they are fragile and shallow. They don’t think like you and they don’t care about anyone but themselves. What they want is to use you, and they’ll try to push the victim button to see if they can elicit sympathy and pity from you. Your attention and energy sustain them; they know that you don’t want others to suffer, and they count on this to regain control over you.
It’s hard to imagine how calculated and cruel they’re willing to be. My clients have shared horrifically manipulative fabricated stories over the years—lies the narcissist told them about having cancer, going bankrupt, losing their job, or being evicted. Even though my clients knew these stories were meant to coerce them, they could barely withstand their feelings of guilt and obligation, because who does that?
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
Tools for empowerment.
When you’re in a situation where a narcissist might be playing the victim to regain your sympathy, use the victimhood deflection method. This method empowers you to maintain boundaries when they start to share stories of how life is unfair or how everyone’s against them. First, recognize this tactic for what it is: a ploy to weaponize your kindness so that they can remain in power. If you’re not sure, check both options. Ask yourself, “How would I handle this if I were sure that this was a ploy?” and then ask yourself, “How would I handle this if I knew for sure their victimhood was merited?” Sometimes, just seeing it from both sides without immediately reacting will help you clarify how involved you want to be.
If it’s a ploy, don’t fall for it. Say something like, “I’m not able to help with that.” If it’s the truth, do what feels right without blurring your boundaries. You can ask them to articulate exactly the type of help they need and then determine if you’re willing to offer that assistance.
Continue reading on the next page
Sharing is caring!
