When you find yourself in a conversation where the person is offering help or connections, use this “give to get” test: a key indicator of the nice narcissist is their need to be seen as an indispensable facilitator to your opportunities. Their insistence on being a central figure secures their source of narcissistic supply. For example, they might want to help you by connecting you with one of their fabulous friends. To navigate something like this, ask something like, “That would be wonderful! Could you give me their contact information?” If they say something like, “I’ll introduce you and you can take it from there,” or “Let me check with her to make sure it’s okay to share her number,” that signals a healthy boundary with no hidden agenda.
However, if they just want to be involved for the praise, or they want to be at the meetings, or they need to meddle to inflate their sense of importance, that’s a red flag. The key is to observe if their continued presence adds value or merely serves their own interest. You can politely end their involvement by saying, “Thank you for making this happen; I’ll take it from here.”
Clue 2: Over-the-top flattery.
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling oddly uncomfortable, even though you were just showered with compliments? This is our second clue to spot a nice narcissist in conversation: over-the-top flattery with a hidden agenda. Nice narcissists use excessive praise not out of kindness, but as a tool to manipulate the relationship. Their fawning keeps you emotionally indebted, securing more narcissistic supply.
When you’re talking with a nice narcissist, watch out for compliments that assume too much intimacy too soon. Like if your boss says, “You’re the most organized person ever! I wish I had someone like you at home to take care of me,” this clearly crosses professional and personal boundaries. These over-the-top compliments are designed to fast track entanglement, and they don’t stop there. They often use these compliments to indirectly boost themselves—like, “Oh my gosh, your hair is so beautiful! I’m sure you have the same problem as me; guys are always hitting on me because of my hair.”
This kind of compliment subtly creates an “us versus them” scenario, aligning you with them. By including themselves, they’re elevating their status and making themselves seem like your equal. And this flattery isn’t friendly chat; it’s a strategic move to make you feel special so that you give them what they want. I used to fall for this all the time because I genuinely liked complimenting other people. I was naive to the dark side of flattery, taking kind words at face value.
Now, I’m much more careful and discerning. It’s not like I’m walking around thinking everybody’s out to get me, but my “Spidey Sense” definitely kicks in if there’s some kind of excessive sweetness and almost saintly quality to the flattery. I think of it as a pretty little lie that’s clearly meant for manipulation. The biggest red flag is what happens inside me, though. If I feel obligated to return the praise or feel like I owe them something in return, this is a big warning sign that I’m falling into an old dysfunctional pattern.
Tools for empowerment: Flattery filter method.
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