Clue 1: Pride and Vanity.
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling emotionally exhausted, but you can’t really put your finger on why? This is our first clue in spotting a nice narcissist in conversation: the subtle yet draining combination of pride and vanity. You’ll notice a specific kind of pride— a false humility or downplay of their own needs that makes them seem superior. Their vanity is different from typical narcissistic grandiosity; it’s more like the old idea of vain glory—an obsession with empty, superficial appearances lacking real depth.
When you mix these traits together, someone who acts like you’re the broken one who needs help with someone who’s obsessed with appearing nice, you end up with a seriously confusing person to deal with because it’ll look and sound like they’re trying to help you, but it doesn’t feel like help. It’s weirdly exhausting and confusing. If you think about covert narcissists and how they secure their narcissistic supply by manipulating to get your pity and your assurance, the nice narcissist is the same idea but just upside down. Instead of wanting pity and assurance, nice narcissists want to pity you and to assure you, and this makes it super tricky for those of us who are really kind, caring, and giving because we tend to make excuses for their behavior.
Instead of seeing the manipulation for what it is—a way to keep narcissistic supply flowing, we tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel so frustrated, and we end up feeling guilty for not wanting to be around them because they’re nice and they’re not technically really doing anything wrong. I’ve been in plenty of situations where help is offered, but it feels like a burden. Part of that is my own baggage; after being in narcissistic relationships, you learn to want nothing, need nothing, and you become super alert to paying off any debts, real or imagined. So, with most people offering help, I felt this crazy need to return the favor right away.
Recommended Book: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself- By Shahida Arabi.
With the nice narcissist, I almost instantly feel this deep resentment. Now, this doesn’t mean that every time I’m resentful I’m dealing with a narcissist; no, of course not. But it’s definitely a warning sign that something’s off.
Tools for empowerment: Give to get test.
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