Number 1: Big arguments over nothing.
Female covert narcissists are masters at making a mountain out of a molehill. They are constantly catastrophizing and talking about all the worst-case scenarios that you could encounter in any given scenario. If you try to help them see the positives, they quickly change the channel back to the negatives, always looking for what could go wrong, feeling threatened, and interpreting neutral signals as signs of real and extreme danger. They are not interested in your solutions to their self-created problems; rather, they’re interested in having their victim narrative validated. So, they create chaos and conflict at every turn and then accuse you of not supporting them through it.
Number 2: Avoiding guilt & shame at all costs.
Whenever you challenge or confront her on something she said or did wrong, she will become extremely defensive to avoid accountability and to maintain her flawless victim facade. If you get an apology, it will be along the lines of, “Sorry, but you made me do it,” or, “Sorry, but I only did it because you did this other thing first.” Typically, there will be no apology. Instead, she will deflect, deny, attack, and flip the script so that, in the end, she’s the victim, no matter what.
Recommended Book: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself- By Shahida Arabi.
For example, let’s say she yells in your face in front of your young children. When you later tell her that this was unacceptable, she may start by saying she shouldn’t have done that, but she will quickly try to draw your attention away from the undeniable fact that she swore at you and demeaned you in front of your children to something that you said or did wrong, either in that same interaction or in the past. So, despite the fact that you stayed calm and didn’t do anything wrong, she will accuse you of something that you said or did in that interaction that caused her to behave that way, and in the end, she expects you to agree that she is the victim, and you are the offender, and to apologize to her.
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