Number 10: Even if you do leave or get discarded, they can get you back with just a few simple tricks and tactics – maybe an apology, a promise to change, they’ll go to therapy, or just say whatever you need to hear. “I miss you. I can’t live without you. I love you so much. We can be so happy together. Remember how happy we used to be?” And because you can’t stand the withdrawal symptoms, you go back, even though you already see through all of the smoke and mirrors because you’ve already been through this cycle many, many times before.
To break the trauma bond, you must first acknowledge and accept that this is not love. Someone who loves you will not prey on you, repeatedly breach your trust, or exploit you. Love does not make you feel like an obsessive, addicted, anxious mess. So sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and ask yourself: What does love mean to you? And really think about it and write your answer down. What do you value in a partner? What’s important to you in a relationship? And what do you really want for your future and in reality? Then honestly ask yourself if, in reality, your partner and your relationship align with your answers.
Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
Breaking the trauma bond is not easy, but it is possible. However, it requires that you make three key decisions. One is to accept that the narcissist is toxic to you, now, always has been, and forever will be. Number two: Make the decision to take the mental and emotional resources that you’ve invested in the narcissist and their fantasy illusions and reinvest those resources into rebuilding yourself. Number three: Make the decision to stop beating yourself up over what you could have done, what you should have done, how you could have avoided the trap in the first place, beating yourself up for not being able to save them, keep your promises, get to that fantasy future, beating yourself up for not leaving sooner, for not being able to move on faster, whatever you’re beating up, beating yourself up for, just stop.
As promised, the ultimate test to know when the trauma bond is broken is that, without external distractions or Band-Aid solutions like another person or substances, you realize that your mind is naturally drifting onto other things. You no longer have to consciously redirect your mind constantly away from them, and you’re no longer dreaming of them.
Read More: 5 Weaknesses All Narcissists Have But Don’t Want You To Know.
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