If you’re trying to figure out if somebody has very strong narcissistic tendencies and they’re far down on that spectrum in narcissism, there are multiple things that we can watch for. We talk about how they have a real high need to be in control. They’re not empathetic people. They’re exploitive, manipulative, entitled, and they really think a little bit too highly of themselves. They have to be superior and are very thin-skinned. All of those are elements of narcissism.
But then, if there’s one ingredient that you really want to watch for that indicates you’re truly dealing with a narcissist, and we might call this a ground zero type of ingredient, it’s simply this: they refuse to take responsibility for personal and relational difficulties, plain and simple.
How many of you, including myself, make mistakes and do things wrong or have some things that just didn’t go right inside our relationships or in our emotional reactions? Those of us who are responsible will say, “I own it. I did it. It happened. What can I do to change?” Narcissists, though, make excuses: “Well, the reason it happened is this.” Narcissists will blame shift: “It’s not my fault; it’s somebody else.” Narcissists will go into hiding, or they’ll go into denial. They’ll defend themselves—anything but say, “I take responsibility for who I am.” Now, I want you to think about how many times you’ve dealt with that individual, and they’ve said, “You know, I have some real soul-searching I need to do.” Narcissists don’t think that way.
Now, I want to go through several different key elements that are a part of that responsible reaction to emotional and relational difficulty, and I want you to see if any of these match up with the narcissist that you deal with.
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