Today’s question asks if I can review the subtle signs of narcissism exposure. So what might somebody notice if they are around working for or in a relationship with a narcissist? I answer this question by looking at the ten subtle signs of narcissism exposure.
The reason I’m covering this from the perspective of narcissism exposure is that one of the things we see a lot with relationships involving narcissism is that people wish they could have known that an individual that they’re dealing with was a narcissist before it was too late.
The problem is particularly early in a relationship. It’s hard to figure out if somebody’s narcissistic sometimes just by looking at how they behave because the narcissist is manipulative. So they’re good about hiding their true intentions and motives.
It may be easier to figure out what’s going on based on your own reaction. So we can try to figure it out from the effects of narcissism exposure. Almost like getting sunburned on your arm because you left it in the Sun and didn’t realize you left it in the Sun. You did not know the Sun was on it. But later, when you see the sunburn, you realized that you were exposed to sunlight. That sunburn indicates the sunlight was there.
An important note about subtle signs
Subtle signs are difficult to work with because they are highly nonspecific. So if you feel uneasy when you’re around somebody, that could mean the person is narcissistic. It could also mean they’re psychopathic. It could mean you’re having a bad day. And it could mean they’re having a bad day. It can mean that they’re reacting to something that you did that you didn’t realize that you did. So there are a lot of possibilities again when talking about subtle signs.
Obvious signs like arrogance, a sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, or somebody saying, hey I’m narcissistic. They’re wonderful because they make it easy to figure it out. But again, by the time, you see those signs. The damage from the narcissism exposure may already be done.
So this made me wonder, I saw this comment a while back or somebody mentioned that life would be easier if narcissist flashed red, like a red flashing light except their whole body flashed red. When I thought about it, I realized it might have some unexpected consequences, like what about driving. So the narcissist is driving a car and they’re flashing red, so you might mistake that for an emergency vehicle that would give them even more attention.
And the narcissist would probably flip that around. They would say, only great people flash red ahead. So they would rewrite the narrative, so it’d be okay. So there’s really no winning with the red flashing narcissist theory.
Now, to get to the ten subtle signs, these signs contain examples of a victim of narcissism exposure dealing with the narcissist. I’ll refer to the narcissist as a narcissist, even though in these examples, of course, the victim would not know that yet.
1. Nervousness & perfectionism
Nothing you will ever do will be good enough for the narcissist. You work, struggle to meet their demands and you can never win. You can never actually become better from their point of view. So it’s kind of like a little random.
People try to improve their performance by doing all kinds of different things, but again, because the narcissist isn’t really looking for that because they’re just making false accusations and just aggravating and manipulating people, you end up just kind of fragmented. You end up just nervous and frustrated and anxious because you don’t know how to improve. You don’t know what they really want.
Also with the sign, we see over qualifying statements. So really trying to anticipate every attack that the narcissist can think of. Putting in like all these disclaimers, trying to make everything that you do seem perfect. Only realizing later, of course, that this is impossible because the narcissist is not bound by logic or reason.
Now the victim would be especially anxious when they’re near the narcissist or when communicating with the narcissist, and the flip side of this is usually you feel better if you have time away from the narcissist for a while.
2. Reluctant to be vulnerable
This really reminds me of the Miranda warning. The warning that police give to people that they’re arresting. Everything that you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, and that’s really how the narcissist thinks about it. Everything that you say can be used against you. So you quickly learn not to share weaknesses, but eventually, you don’t want to share good news either.
They have no reaction to your good news or they have a bad reaction to it. They will not celebrate your good fortune, but rather try to destroy it and prevent you from having similar successes in the future. So again, eventually, you just end up not revealing anything to them except what you are required to reveal.
3. Distorted view of relationships
So the narcissist can convince you that their behavior is normal, and consequently, relationships with them are normal. If you look at other relationships where one of the parties is narcissistic, those relationships start to look normal to you as well. And if you see a relationship that is functional, that is working out pretty well, that now looks abnormal.
Sadly, the relationship with a narcissist sets a new benchmark, a new standard, and that standard is that relationships cause suffering.
4. Feeling as though your goals are too small
Narcissists have fantasies of power, wealth, and success. And many of these fantasies are quite extreme. Normal goals seem unambitious compared to those of the narcissists. So you may start to wonder if you’re not shooting high enough, how come the narcissist has all these dreams of success and massive wealth, and you just have very realistic dreams.
So again, the narcissist almost tries to reset what is normal through their destructive behavior.
5. Feeling like your goals don’t matter
You feel selfish when you want anything, even if that desire is reasonable. The narcissist does not believe you have any rights. This is actually a really important point about narcissism. They especially do not believe you have the right to be happy. They disregard your goals with such contempt that you may start to disregard them as well.
6. Feeling as though you are completely at fault
You feel 100% responsible for what has gone wrong in the relationship. This is known as inappropriate guilt, and it’s very common in a relationship with a narcissist. A lot of this comes about because of a type of manipulation called gaslighting. So with this type, the narcissist convinces you that you are the problem. And as I’ve mentioned many times before, this is an incredibly effective strategy.
7. Elevated level of distrust
You find yourself highly distrusting of what other people say. So really like hyper-vigilant, always thinking that somebody is lying. In your conversations with the narcissist, you have no expectation that they will be honest or accept responsibility, and this can extend to losing that expectation of honesty with everyone else.
Distrust is a useful trait when dealing with a narcissist, but not necessarily useful in dealing with people in a normal personality range.
8. Continual fatigue
You can’t remember the last time you were not tired. Narcissist has a big advantage in the relationships that they have. They don’t have to expend hardly any energy to cause damage, but you have to expend a great deal of energy to prevent damage.
So they’re on the offensive, and you’re on the defensive. This is why the narcissist wins a war of attrition.
9. Suspicious of others
You expect that others have turned against you. You become disappointed in the level of conviction that other people have. And this is because the narcissist recruits agents, I call them narcissistic agents, and they intimidate those who they cannot recruit and they do this to make sure that you will not get support.
So the reason to feel like some people are trained against you is because in, a sense, they might be.
10. No expectation of hearing the truth
Every time you catch the narcissist doing something wrong, you have no hope of hearing the truth or of holding them accountable. As a matter of fact, you become fairly certain that you will be blamed for whatever they did wrong.
So when talking about narcissism exposure, as I mentioned a lot, this is really being in tune with internal reactions. If that’s a struggle, I would say counseling is always a good idea.
So a counselor can help people to understand their, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. And maybe piece together the puzzle that might reveal that there is a narcissist in one of the relationships. So it’s important not to underestimate how well narcissists can hide in plain sight.
Read more: Six Stages of Healing From Hidden Abuse
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