1. Understand and accept that it’s not a level playing field.
Now, a key reason it’s not worth arguing or fighting with someone who lands on the spectrum of destructive narcissism is they don’t have limits or boundaries, for that matter. So, it is never going to be a level playing field. Narcissists don’t fight fair. They aren’t interested in resolution, understanding, compromise, or win-win. Rather, they’ll be ready, willing, and able to go as far as it takes to win, which again means you losing.
There is absolutely no point entering the ring with the intent to work something out or resolve an issue with someone whose only objective is to win at all costs, including annihilating you and any sense of self-worth or self-esteem, or dignity you might have. Narcissists will do and say whatever it takes, no matter how untrue, cruel, or bizarre. They’ll go to lengths that you and I would never ever consider. So, understand that in this regard, it is not a level playing field. They play dirty, they fight dirty, and they’re good at it.
2. Do not engage.
It is always going to be in your best interest to not engage in so much as you’re able. That’s right. Now, I get that this isn’t always an option, but if you can simply stop engaging when the narcissist comes looking for an argument or is trying to pick a fight, is doing and saying whatever they can to bait or trigger you, simply do not engage. Instead, use one-word responses like, for example, “Oh,” “Okay,” “I see,” “I understand,” or “Interesting.”
Now, is this going to work every time? No. But sooner or later, they’ll get the point. And the point is the message that you’re sending is this: There is no narcissistic supply to be had here. And eventually, they’ll realize that getting a rise out of you isn’t as easy as they’d hoped, and they’ll be forced to go somewhere else to get their sick needs met, which means leaving you in peace.
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
And don’t get me wrong, I know full well how not easy this can be, especially if we’re feeling stressed out for any reason, feeling angry, and/or are sleep deprived. When our resources are depleted, putting our ego aside and keeping our mouths shut is a lot harder to do, for sure. It’s also much more difficult if we have yet to begin our own healing and recovery work. If you’re walking around carrying a mountain of pain and trauma, it is going to be so much harder for you to remain detached.
But once you start taking care of yourself and start doing your own work, it becomes a lot easier to disengage and remain detached, calm, cool, and collected no matter what the narcissist throws at you.
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