#8: “It’s fine when I do that, but you are absolutely not allowed.”
So, it’s essentially do as I say, not as I do. And they may even say something very much like that. Or they may more commonly just act in a way that makes you feel it, like there’s a different set of rules for them and you get the feeling that they think they’re above you, so the rules don’t apply to them. After all, they’re the ones who create the rules so they can break them, right? You cannot take cheating, for example. They’ll give themselves a free pass to have affairs, then threaten to leave you if you so much as glance at another person. Or take rule breaking. Maybe they drive a motorcycle recklessly with no helmet, then scold you as irresponsible if you so much as jaywalk.
It’s not always about how you relate to them or approach them. They’ll often project judgments about how you live your life in general when they’re living theirs in a way that doesn’t follow the same rules they expect of you. So, what’s the harm in all this? Well, gradually over time, these double standards seep in and chip away at your own self-trust. And it’s kind of like when we talked about how they expect you to take responsibility for their anger issues, but in this case, it’s their entitlement they want you to tiptoe around.
And if you do, there’s a cost. Believing they deserve that entitlement or even acting as though they do diminishes your own self-worth more and more each time. So, if you’re dealing with a narcissist, having a conversation about these things, which would normally be a healthy way to resolve conflict, isn’t going to help here. In fact, it might do quite the opposite. So, instead, I’d suggest figuring out how you can limit your exposure to their entitled behavior so you can protect your self-worth.
#9: “That’s not the way I remember things at all.”
And this phrase highlights the narcissist’s favorite move, rewriting history. Despite crystal clear evidence, they’ll insist that you were the one who was wrong. So, you dig your heels in. Maybe you provide context and proof in a desperate attempt to get them to see that they were actually wrong. It’s clear as day. And somehow, even with all your receipts, they’re still denying it.
Have you ever been there? I know you have because this is a hamster wheel we all get stuck on at one time or another. But don’t, whatever you do, don’t expect accountability. Don’t expect them to listen to reason or logic. They aren’t getting it because they don’t want to, because it’s not convenient for their narrative.
So, you can ruminate all day about how you’re going to explain it in a way that finally will make sense to them, but they’re never going to admit that it makes sense simply because they don’t want to. And if they really want to throw you off track, they’ll attack you for distorting the facts. So, they’ll get you on the defensive about what you know to be true.
So, what we’re talking about here, you guessed it, it’s gaslighting. And listen, we’re not always right. Let’s just face that right now. But that’s exactly why this technique works so well because it gets you questioning yourself. But I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve spoken with over the years who have either recorded or taken notes after important conversations with the narcissist in their lives. And 100% of the time when they go back and listen or read what really happened, they see that their version was correct.
So if you’re dealing with this right now, keeping records can really help you fact-check those conversations that end up getting so distorted. You may never and probably will never get the narcissist to see the truth, but at least you can hold on to what you know to be reality instead of questioning whether they might be right.
And here’s the truth that that phrase is trying to hide. One of their biggest fears is you holding on to your truth. A covert narcissist’s entire power structure depends on them being the narrator of your life. When they say, “That’s not how I remember it,” they aren’t just lying. They’re desperately trying to dismantle your history because if you trust your own memory, they lose control over you. And they’re absolutely terrified of a version of the truth where they’re held accountable because in that reality, their perfect little mask shatters.
The reason why narcissists are so afraid of you hanging on to your story is that gaslighting is one of the most powerful weapons they have in their arsenal. And it is so powerful because memory is kind of a tricky thing. But once you understand how memory really works and how they use that against you, you can become immune to their gaslighting. So, if you want to learn more about that, definitely read this article right here.
Read More: If They Talk Like THIS…They’re a Narcissist.
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