9 Things Covert Narcissists Say (And What They Really Mean)

#6: “It’s your fault I get so angry because you provoke me.”

A narcissist definitely won’t take responsibility for their anger issues or their outbursts. In their eyes, they’re never the problem. Someone or something always made them act that way. And who’s the prime target for their blame? Oh, you guessed it. It’s you. It’s always going to be the person who’s most convenient or closest to them, the person they can get away with blaming. So, whenever they’re confronted about their anger, yelling, or cruel remarks, they come in fast with a bunch of excuses and deflection.

So, things like naturally wanting to discuss the relationship or standing firm on your own boundaries that keep getting challenged- those things become threats to the narcissist. And the truth is their reactions come from their own unhealed wounds, not any external issue. This really doesn’t have a lot to do with you at all. But healing involves vulnerability and self-responsibility. And these things are way too uncomfortable for any narcissist. And so they blame shift.

This is where you see that Darvo response come in. But listen, no one can take responsibility for someone else’s emotions. You can take responsibility for your behavior; you cannot take responsibility for their emotions. And the same is true in reverse as well. And this can be a tough pill to swallow, but it can also be really empowering if you really look at it.

So the narcissist in your life is responsible for their behavior. They’re not responsible for how you react to it. That is all yours. The emotions that their behavior triggers are yours. And here’s the empowering part. That means they are within your control, within reason, but they are more in your control than they are anyone else’s. And you have the power to take action to heal hurt feelings and to move on and get better. And at the same time, you also have the power to set the boundaries to keep the people who are hurting you out while you do it.

#7: “Stop judging everything I do. You are so critical of me.”

And again, this sounds just like projection, doesn’t it? But what’s really going on here? What’s beneath the surface is that a narcissist can’t handle any sort of criticism regardless of how it’s delivered. And I’m sure you’ve noticed this at some point. So even requests for basic decency are, in their eyes, an attack. The narcissist is above feedback in their mind and beholden to no one.

So, if you confront a narcissist about their hurtful behavior, expect shaming counterattacks on your character because suddenly you’re going to get labeled judgmental and overly critical for daring to tell them that they’ve hurt you or someone else. Then the conversation becomes about how you’re unable to have compassion for them. You see how this goes full circle? It’s a maneuver that puts you on the defensive so they can play the victim and evade responsibility once again.

So this phrase, stop judging everything I do, might be something that you say as well. And so this is a good time to talk about how it’s not necessarily the words. It’s the pattern of behavior that’s problematic because what a narcissist means when they say these words and phrases is probably pretty different from what you mean when you say them.

And this is one specifically that is a little bit hard to decipher, right? Because the narcissist probably does really feel persecuted by you. But if you look at their entire pattern of behavior, it’s pretty clear to see that they’re the ones doing the persecuting.

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