#3: Agree with my opinions because they’re facts, and if you don’t, you’re stupid.
It doesn’t actually come out this way. And if it did, it would be a lot easier to spot. But I know you know what I’m talking about because this is the very tone of the covert narcissist if you don’t agree with what they say or their opinions. It could be political, it could be religious, or they could be color blind and trying to convince you that you’re stupid for thinking that red is actually green or vice versa.
I don’t know how color blindness really works. So whatever it is, I’m sure you’ve got something in your mind right now. And if you have a good one, let us know in the comments because I’m sure a lot of people are going to relate. Because if you dare question these so-called facts or introduce maybe like a differing perspective, get ready for some serious criticism, even maybe attacks on your character.
Covert narcissists put their opinions on such a high pedestal that they can’t even recognize them as opinions. So to a narcissist, things like how you should feel or who you should vote for aren’t just opinions. They are fact. So when you challenge their narratives, no matter how politely, they’ll see it as a threat. And rather than having open, thoughtful discussion, they resort to shaming tactics. They’ll act as if disagreeing with them signals your personal failure at life.
But please do remember you don’t need their validation. Instead, start looking for outside opinions and keep learning. But ultimately form your own conclusions regardless of what they think or what they say.
#4: “I don’t care what you or anyone else thinks.”
A narcissist of any kind, covert or more grandiose, definitely wants you to think that they don’t care about anyone’s opinions, and this usually seems pretty true. But the actual truth is more nuanced than that. See, narcissists desperately depend on external validation. They’re just selective about it. So, when a covert narcissist is lovebombing you, for example, they don’t really care what other people think, but they very much care about what you think, at least for that moment, because you’re their main source of supply right then, and they need that supply from somewhere.
And this fully explains why and how a narcissist will brush off judgment or well-meaning advice from friends, telling them that they’re moving too fast. And it also explains why when they’re actively taking you down, they usually don’t even care how bad it makes them look because they’re getting supply from having other people on their side and getting emotional reactions out of you.
But the bottom line is their very existence depends on external validation. It just comes from a revolving door of sources. And it has to be that way because they’re so prone to getting bored with people and also burning bridges that it’s rare for them to have one person who’s always by their side no matter what.
Suggested Book: It’s Not You _ Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People.
#5: “My personal life is private. I don’t owe you any explanation.”
So in essence, it’s none of your business. And don’t get me wrong, everybody has the right to do this. Everybody deserves some level of privacy. And of course, there are some things that we shouldn’t have to explain to anyone. But when you’re around someone who’s keeping you from things that are very much your business, like maybe shared finances or stepping outside a supposedly monogous relationship, it’s a problem.
So phrases like this one, it’s none of your business, help them to escape accountability so they can omit facts, give half-truths, or spin together alibis, knowing that you lack the insider knowledge to challenge them. And that permits all kinds of deception, betrayal, and recklessness. And for a really cunning covert narcissist, this can come dressed up as sensitivity.
So they might say something like, “I just don’t feel safe sharing that right now,” or you’re making me feel interrogated. It’s not that I don’t want to share; it’s just that I don’t like your tone. But even when you change your tone, they don’t share.
But now, let’s flip that coin on its head because they sure do love nosing into your business, don’t they? They’ll pry about personal topics or demand justifications around really benign choices. So, their attitude screams, “I’m entitled to know everything about you, but how dare you expect the same of me?”
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