#1: “I was going to be nice, but now you don’t deserve it.”
The first phrase is, “I was going to be nice, but now you don’t deserve it.” So when you hear phrases like this often, or even when you just feel like you have to prove your own worth to someone or your own value, it is a major red flag.
And let’s be real, the person might not actually come right out and say, “I was going to be nice.” They might use something specific that you’d expect them to do, regardless of whether you’re arguing or whether you’re happy with each other. And then they take it away at the last minute.
Let me give you an example. Maybe they’re talking about going with you to a family event or letting you hang out with your friends and then they completely change their tune, claiming that now somehow you are unworthy of this basic thing. And to be clear, I’m not talking about a parent giving consequences to a young child. Although it’s not okay to give love or kindness conditionally to a child either. Here I’m talking about a relationship between two adults, even if those adults happen to be parent and child.
And with a covert narcissist, this usually doesn’t come as some dramatic announcement. It’s more like a mood shift or a coldness that you can feel, but you can’t quite explain. And when you try to, you start feeling like you’re sounding crazy. And this is exactly what makes it so disorienting.
Phrases like this one really encapsulate not only the push-pull nature of the relationship, but they also indicate control. So phrases like this are more like a thinly veiled punishment meant to make you feel like you need to try harder to please them next time.
#2: You’re the one trying to control me.
When you’re hearing this from a controlling, abusive person, that’s just about the definition of crazy behavior because clearly they’re the ones behaving in controlling ways. It feels like pure projection. But this actually goes a lot deeper because you’ll usually be met with this phrase whenever you’re trying to set boundaries. So you asking for respect becomes you trying to dictate the entire relationship. And you trying to set boundaries turns into you manipulating how the other person behaves.
And then you might even feel bad for trying to set boundaries in the first place, like you somehow hurt them by limiting their access to you. But please remember, access to you is a privilege, and it’s one you can control. No one deserves unlimited access just because. And so here’s the part that’s a little bit confusing with a covert narcissist because you rarely get it shouted at you like an accusation. It’s not something that you instantly feel that knee-jerk reaction to fight. It’s more likely to come out as hurt, right?
They might say something like, “I guess I just can’t do anything right by you.” So it’s the same message, but it’s wrapped in this wounded tone that somehow makes you the one who ends up comforting them. So being consistent with boundaries is really the only way to hold them with a narcissist. There has to be some sort of consequence. I hear from you guys all the time that you can set boundaries all day, but they’re not going to follow them. And that may well be true, but standing to those boundaries is really your job and it is the one thing you can control.
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