1. A fauxpology.
The first thing that you’ll see when they’re losing control but they think they might still be able to get to you is possibly a faux apology. Not all narcissists do this, but a lot of them do when you’re pulling away. But the faux apology is essentially a fake apology.
So, they might say something that sounds a little bit like an apology, but it’s not actually an apology. Like, ‘I’m so sorry that you’re hurting.’ That’s not an apology. Also, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’ It can be used as a faux apology. But the most common one that you’ll see is an apology without changed behavior. And we know that that’s not really an apology at all, because if someone was sorry for the behavior they’re apologizing for, they wouldn’t do it again and again and again.
So, when you get one of these faux apologies from a narcissist, really what they’re saying is, ‘I’m sorry I got caught,’ or ‘I’m sorry I have consequences.’ ‘I’m sorry that I can’t get to you in quite the same way that I did before. And so, if I say that maybe I can overturn all of these consequences. Maybe I can go back to getting what I want.’ From the faux apology, and sometimes alongside an apology is a hoover.
2. The Hoover and discard.
When a narcissist is hoovering, they’re going to be on their best behavior, and it’s going to feel a lot like it did in the idealization phase. And that’s the draw. That’s what can get you, because all along you’re kind of wondering where this person went. This person that you fell in love with or this person who made you feel so good about yourself, well, they’re back.
But if a narcissist really believes that they’re losing control over you, let’s say maybe you discarded them first, this hoover is a stronger manipulation than any other. So, this will be a hoover for the purpose of discarding later. So, watch out for this. If you’ve discarded a narcissist or if you know that you’re mostly done, and they come back, and it seems like they’re giving you everything you’ve ever wanted, be cautious.
Now, this is obviously only going to work if they do still have some control. If there’s a small part of you that wants them back in your life, this might work. And if it doesn’t work, they may move on to the third item on this list.
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