Clue 7: Contempt.
A narcissist’s goal will always be to tear you down emotionally, psychologically, financially—whatever it takes. So they will call you names; they will call you stupid, ugly, or worthless. They will invalidate you; they’ll dismiss your concerns and feelings. “You’re overreacting; you’re too sensitive; you’re really going to get upset about that?” They will roll their eyes; they’ll make fun of you or mock you.
There’s a reason Dr. John Goodman said that out of all the destructive behaviors, contempt is the most toxic and corrosive to love. Contempt is the narcissist’s native language, and you need to be on high alert for it. But like I said before, sometimes the biggest problem isn’t spotting these red flags; it’s how you’re going to respond to them when they rear their ugly heads.
Because when you grew up with people who emotionally or physically neglected you, when you were conditioned to believe that you didn’t deserve to be treated as valuable, it’s not easy to turn self-worth or self-esteem on. It puts you in extremely impressionable and vulnerable positions when you don’t understand your worth.
When you’re filled with shame, remember what Brené Brown said: “Guilt is I did something bad, but shame is I’m bad.” When you had bad examples of love growing up in the past, you’re far more likely to settle for bad examples of love in the present, aren’t you? And I’m just here to tell you, because I love you: you can’t find it out there until you find it in here first.
Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
I know it seems counterintuitive, but it’s true. If deep down you haven’t healed those wounds and you have a core belief that you don’t deserve to be valued, prioritized, or respected, even if you met the right person, you will reject them because your mind is still threatened by their selflessness and kindness. This is part of becoming the right type of person: self-compassion, honoring our inner child, protecting them, forgiving ourselves, and intentionally moving towards healing and emotional maturity, and learning about boundaries and needs and emotional self-regulation.
Of course, it doesn’t eliminate the risk that someone won’t take advantage of us, but it does give us a framework for what we know we deserve, which is respect and warmth and for someone to be able to have a discussion with us without it turning into a fight. You deserve someone to care when they unintentionally hurt you. You deserve someone who invites and encourages your feelings instead of punishes you for them.
And even if this relationship doesn’t work out, we will grieve, but we will also still feel whole because we weren’t looking for them to complete us. We can feel empowered because even though we liked them, we were able to see that this relationship wasn’t meeting our needs, and we did something courageous. We said, “This isn’t working for me,” instead of, “How can I make this work?” And then we move on. That’s healing, and that’s something I want us all to be capable of.
Read More: 10 Weird Addictions All Narcissists Have.
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