Clue 5: Lying.
Narcissists are chronic liars. You know something feels off; you feel like they’re lying, but you can’t prove it. They dismiss your concerns; they call you crazy; they tell you that you’re imagining things. Then, when you finally get the proof that you were looking for, they tell you that you’re just overreacting.
Do you see how it’s a game that you’ll never win? They will do anything and everything to invalidate you if you let them. It’s your job to know, “Oh, this person is a liar. I’m trying to get a liar to admit that they did something wrong; that’s probably not going to work, is it?” I talk to people every single day that are dealing with chronic liars or cheating partners, and so many of them are still giving them the benefit of the doubt. And I tell you, because I care about you, you have to know what your standards are. You have to know what your boundaries are and what lines are okay—and not okay—to cross, and what to do when they cross them.
Because if you don’t set your own standards, I promise you someone else will try to do it for you, and they won’t set it too high. So yes, this is hard, but sometimes we have to mourn the death of an unsafe or unhealthy relationship and stop trusting untrustworthy people.
For any relationship to work, there needs to be mutual respect, trust, and safety; there needs to be closeness and connection. You can’t have those with anyone who doesn’t actually care about your needs, wants, and desires in this relationship. Eventually, one of two things will happen: they will discard you like you never meant anything to them, which will break your heart and set you up to do anything to get back with them, or you will find the courage to leave, and they will blame it all on you and say you’re abandoning them.
And you know what’s sad? You’re gonna feel like you are, because you were abandoned in your early childhood, and you made a pact with yourself to never hurt someone else the way that you’ve been hurt. So when someone says that you’re abandoning them, it tugs on your heart. You wonder if you are; you wonder if you’ve given this enough time, if they deserve another chance. And the answer is no, they don’t. They boxed you into this corner.
Related: If They Talk Like THIS…They’re a Narcissist.
Clue 6: Communication.
How someone speaks to you matters. Words can destroy relationships, and yelling, belittling, or looking down on you isn’t normal or loving—it’s abuse. A narcissist’s goal is control, so they bully you, punish you for speaking up, and use silent treatment to force you to apologize. They bait you into fights because your emotional reactions make them feel powerful, and they know exactly how to push your buttons.
You can’t win this game. You’re trying to be respectful, while they use aggression and dominance to make you feel small. They provoke you until you explode, then accuse you of being toxic and tell others about your reaction. This is why many victims wonder if they’re the narcissist—but you’re reacting because your body is tired of the abuse. You don’t explode like this with anyone else.
To fix this, you have to stop fighting someone who will never see your value. You’re not fighting them—you’re fighting for your worth, your voice, and your healing. You need to set boundaries, forgive yourself for reacting, and stop trying to get fairness from someone committed to misunderstanding you.
The solution is seeing through their tactics. They humiliate you, distract you, lie, and try to make you defend yourself so they stay in control. When you stop responding, they keep yelling because they want a reaction, not a real conversation.
Hold yourself accountable and hold your partner accountable for disrespect, name-calling, yelling, and contempt. If they won’t let you leave during conflict, that’s abuse—and safety has to come first. Remove yourself from unsafe relationships because you are worthy of respect and kindness, even in disagreement.
And remember: it’s immature to keep trying to reason with someone who has never cared about your feelings. If they’ve never shown interest in your needs, why keep trying what never worked?
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
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