Clue 3: A narcissist has no capacity for empathy.
They can’t and they won’t because empathy requires you to step into someone else’s experience. True empathy demands you see the world from someone else’s point of view, through their lens, and the narcissist will never see value in that because it’s beneath them. In their minds, empathy and feelings are a waste of their time, which means your feelings are also a waste of their time.
If you’re truly serious about setting yourself up for success in your relationships, then you cannot date someone without empathy. It might be the single most important thing you should look for when choosing a new partner. If they have everything else—if they’re smart and funny and good-looking, and they tell you all the right things, and they do nice things for you—but you’re seeing from their words and actions that they invalidate feelings and have no capacity for empathy, there’s a 100% chance that relationship fails.
Someone who has no interest in empathy also has no interest in humility, intimacy, vulnerability, emotional safety, or resolving conflict in a respectful, healthy way. Trust me when I tell you those are necessary for any relationship to survive or thrive, and when we don’t have them, we’ve all experienced relationships that just have no depth to them, right? It’s superficial, and that’s what makes it so easy for them to eventually discard you and move on to someone else so quickly.
Related: 5 Faces of the Male Covert Narcissist.
Clue 4: Self-centeredness.
Narcissists will always be self-centered, and self-centeredness is Kryptonite for any successful relationship. This is one of the reasons they don’t compromise with you during a disagreement: because why would they? Remember, in their mind, they’re entitled; they deserve your praise and admiration. They deserve to do what they want, with whom they want, when they want. But at the same time, they will criticize you or call you names or worse when you ask for the bare minimum amount of consideration, thoughtfulness, or, God forbid, appreciation.
They are a walking double standard; they need you to feel small so that they can feel important. This is called emotional abuse. The bigger issue is that self-centered people pair up really nicely with selfless people, don’t they? I mean, let’s just be honest: do you tend to give and serve and put your needs on the back burner in order to please someone else? Do you avoid talking about your true feelings because it’ll just start another fight?
I’m just here to remind you that’s not a safe relationship. Your feelings matter; your needs matter. You deserve someone who prioritizes you. You deserve someone who cares about what you need to feel safe, valued, and loved in this relationship. That’s not asking for too much; that’s literally the bare minimum.
So be very careful thinking you can change them with your love. Be very careful thinking you can heal people that don’t think they’re sick. Be very careful thinking you need to feel whole with them. This is what’s so dangerous about all this: the hardest part about this isn’t spotting the red flags; it’s what you’re going to do after you see them. Because for so many of us, we don’t feel whole without them; we don’t feel valuable unless they say we’re valuable. I heard one victim say, “I know they’re the one that broke me, but it feels like they’re the only one that can put me back together.”
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