Clue 1: The love bombing stage.
Unfortunately, the goal of a true narcissist is control and manipulation, not love. They can pretend for a while, which is why love bombing is used to gain your trust quickly. They need you attached fast because they can’t keep their mask on forever. Once you fall for their charm, attention, and gifts, it becomes easier for them to manipulate you.
In the beginning, they mirror you, listen, act caring, talk about soulmates, and isolate you from others. You think you’ve finally found someone who sees your worth. But soon, the mask slips. They get jealous, inconsistent, dismissive, and start shaming and invalidating you. This becomes gaslighting—getting you to doubt your own thoughts so they can control you.
They create a power imbalance. They call you too needy or too emotional, and because of past trauma, you question yourself instead of them. You try to earn back the love-bombing phase, not knowing it’s a game you can never win. They move the goalpost, use your insecurities against you, and make you feel powerless so they stay in control.
To prevent this, you must take things slow. Rushing early intimacy creates a strong bond that keeps you attached even when they mistreat you. Instead, people need to earn your trust through consistency, respect, kindness, honesty, and honoring boundaries—something many of us never enforced.
Setting boundaries doesn’t push away the right person, but it threatens a narcissist. Once things get serious, being clear about what you will and won’t tolerate will scare toxic people away because they don’t want to work hard to manipulate someone.
The best protection is understanding toxic behavior and being kind but assertive. The right person will respect your boundaries; the wrong person will be offended and shame you for them.
Related: 7 Places Where Narcissists Show You Exactly Who They Are.
Clue 2: An inflated ego and an excessive need to be admired.
The second clue that you’re dealing with a narcissist, or at least someone who is emotionally immature, is an inflated ego and an excessive need to be admired. These are not normal traits for the average person; they are red flags of a deeply insecure person. It’s one thing to understand our worth and value as a person and be proud of ourselves for what we’ve accomplished in life; it’s a different thing altogether when they bring every conversation back to them and elevate themselves while bringing other people down.
If every time they open their mouth they give off this vibe that they think they’re superior, it’s because they think they are. If they are superior, that makes you inferior, which means they have no interest in your opinion. That’s why you feel like it’s always 50/50 whether they’re going to punish you when you speak. Let’s not mistake arrogance for confidence; pride and superiority are toxic to any relationship.
One of the best clues at spotting a narcissist is analyzing what comes out of their mouth. Listen to what they say; notice how nothing is ever their fault. Notice how they’re always the victim; it’s always unfair for them. Ask them about any past relationship, and you will see it ended because of the other person. Just remember, how they talk about them is exactly how they will talk about you one day. They have to blame-shift for everything because they are terribly insecure; they can’t take accountability for anything because in their mind, if they did something wrong, that means they are wrong.
They aren’t superior anymore; they aren’t more important. Mistakes aren’t allowed in the fantasy world that they have created that is now their personality. So they will never admit to fault; they will never apologize. And even if they did, it would sound like, “I’m so sorry you can’t take a joke,” or “Well, I’m sorry that you feel that way,” or “Okay, I’m sorry; stop living in the past.” Anyone ever heard those?
Suggested Book: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself- By Shahida Arabi.
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